i can see you pushing me away, and i get it. i haven’t been exactly open with you, but that doesn’t give you a right to pull the wool over my eyes. even though i haven’t let you in, you’ve let me in too much. i can read you and all of your actions.
>>
i was blissfully asleep by 1am, which is a first…until we had a fire drill at 1:20am. really. really. I’m awake now, thanks.
>>
i feel more centered, balanced and things aren’t as bad and maybe thats because I’m tipsy tumbling but i cuddled today and slept a lot and spent time with good company and we had our first snow and the leaves are still falling and I’m ready for november.
>>we numb ourselves to our silent self-destruction. spiraling, spiraling, and i am lost in a myriad of dreams and forgotten miseries.
>>
first college all nighter (ill probably regret those words soon enough) but i have all afternoon to sleep and nest in my room and its so peaceful being awake at this hour. and i am sitting in the common room with a very dear friend and we already made a date to go to salvation army together on wednesday, and we both happen to stay up too late just because. and i am reading neitzsche and eating yogurt and listening to chopin and all in all this is pleasantly wonderful
>>my windows propped open, even though the air has turned cool, but the humidity is gone and it smells sweet and theres a bird singing nearby. i have a paper to revise yet and i’ve been napping on and off all day and its just screaming lazy sunday afternoon. and i think i am going to take some kind of art class next semester and psychology and probably another biology class. I’m excited for fall, for frosts and for the turning of the season into winter and the first snow.
>>i would rather let the people around me be happy
then find someone myself.
i always move away, let distance slide between us and say
“go ahead”
it means more to you than to me,
but the pain hurts and bites.
and maybe this isn’t the time.
and maybe i am overwhelmingly tired
and i should be happy with what i have
but its hard to know whats gone,
if you’ve never experienced it before.
and i am sure to you it’s a bigger deal,
i’m just so inexperienced and feel
so small and childlike.
and my emotions are running raw
and thats mostly due to lack of sleep
and over analyzing and loneliness
and i shouldn’t let myself feel so vulnerable
and should not share pieces of me yet…
emotionally drained and tired and achey and i finally broke down and cried and it was over something so small, but it was that one little thing i didn’t need today and all i wanted was a hug. so i called my beautiful sister and she listened to me while i bawled and i miss my siblings a lot. i remember saying that i couldn’t imagine having to live without them, and now i know what it feels like to be disconnected from them, and if anything it makes me value you them ten times more. and hopefully i’ll find people to hug and shoulders to cry on, but until then i have my wondrous blanket to nestle into at night.
>>- study for bio test
- write outline for essay
- meet with prof.
- schedule meeting at DHC
- get weekly schedule for cpyb
- pic up one more work shift
- sign up for outing club
- check in on volunteering at hospital
so much to dooo
>>its odd because we all have pasts, stories that no one else knows. who we are is not who we were, and our paths are twisted and we meet as blank slates and judge too quickly. years can’t be translated into minutes, and no matter how late we spend learning about one another, the moon eats her way through the night - it just takes time.
>>
