also i have so many loose ends to tie up and things to complete before classes end on friday. it just feels to overwhelming at times. 

so many things keep triggering my memory, but they are full of warmth and happiness and laughter and i just want to hold on to them, to let them hang suspended in time, but i’m always pulled back and then my eyes tear up. i hung up some pictures of you, i want you in my life, because i am a piece of you and i will forever hold you in my heart and treasure all that i shared with you. i keep thinking about our last conversation on friday and afterwords you said “thank you for sharing those thoughts” and i said “i love you dad”. did you know what was coming? did we all? 

and things are shifting and changing and i’m realizing its ok to not know what to feel. but here i am again, waiting at an in-between, this feel so surreal as if this was but a dream. but its not a dream, this is life, and its scary, and real, and full of uncertainties. all i know is my chest aches and there is a catch in my throat that just won’t go away, i’m ready to wipe the facade of my happiness off my face. 

i can see you pushing me away, and i get it. i haven’t been exactly open with you, but that doesn’t give you a right to pull the wool over my eyes. even though i haven’t let you in, you’ve let me in too much. i can read you and all of your actions. 

i was blissfully asleep by 1am, which is a first…until we had a fire drill at 1:20am. really. really. I’m awake now, thanks.

i think i’ve gotten used to being alone…

i feel more centered, balanced and things aren’t as bad and maybe thats because I’m tipsy tumbling but i cuddled today and slept a lot and spent time with good company and we had our first snow and the leaves are still falling and I’m ready for november.

first college all nighter (ill probably regret those words soon enough) but i have all afternoon to sleep and nest in my room and its so peaceful being awake at this hour. and i am sitting in the common room with a very dear friend and we already made a date to go to salvation army together on wednesday, and we both happen to stay up too late just because. and i am reading neitzsche and eating yogurt and listening to chopin and all in all this is pleasantly wonderful

my windows propped open, even though the air has turned cool, but the humidity is gone and it smells sweet and theres a bird singing nearby. i have a paper to revise yet and i’ve been napping on and off all day and its just screaming lazy sunday afternoon. and i think i am going to take some kind of art class next semester and psychology and probably another biology class. I’m excited for fall, for frosts and for the turning of the season into winter and the first snow. 

i would rather let the people around me be happy 
then find someone myself.
i always move away, let distance slide between us and say 
“go ahead”
it means more to you than to me, 
but the pain hurts and bites. 
and maybe this isn’t the time. 
and maybe i am overwhelmingly tired 
and i should be happy with what i have 
but its hard to know whats gone,
if you’ve never experienced it before. 
and i am sure to you it’s a bigger deal, 
i’m just so inexperienced and feel 
so small and childlike. 
and my emotions are running raw
and thats mostly due to lack of sleep
and over analyzing and loneliness
and i shouldn’t let myself feel so vulnerable 
and  should not share pieces of me yet…

• study for bio test
• write outline for essay
• meet with prof. 
• schedule meeting at DHC
• get weekly schedule for cpyb
• pic up one more work shift 
• sign up for outing club
• check in on volunteering at hospital

so much to dooo 

its odd because we all have pasts, stories that no one else knows. who we are is not who we were, and our paths are twisted and we meet as blank slates and judge too quickly. years can’t be translated into minutes, and no matter how late we spend learning about one another, the moon eats her way through the night - it just takes time. 

its beginning. school friends. settling. i just got back from my chem lab and it was unnecessarily long and my lab partner went to slow and i ended up doing a lot of the work and then feeling bad because i didn’t want to rush her too much. and we ended up finishing before everyone else. and the rain has finally stopped, at least for now. and the walk back wasn’t as long as the walk there. and as much as i complain about the cold, wet weather i’m happy with it. its a small part of portland i might miss soon and its awfully cozy in my dorm room. and now i am listening to music and drinking tea and hopefully i’ll head over to the library and finish all my reading and studying for tomorrow a little bit earlier so i can got to sleep before 2am…(could that ever happen?)