also i have so many loose ends to tie up and things to complete before classes end on friday. it just feels to overwhelming at times. 

so many things keep triggering my memory, but they are full of warmth and happiness and laughter and i just want to hold on to them, to let them hang suspended in time, but i’m always pulled back and then my eyes tear up. i hung up some pictures of you, i want you in my life, because i am a piece of you and i will forever hold you in my heart and treasure all that i shared with you. i keep thinking about our last conversation on friday and afterwords you said “thank you for sharing those thoughts” and i said “i love you dad”. did you know what was coming? did we all? 

and things are shifting and changing and i’m realizing its ok to not know what to feel. but here i am again, waiting at an in-between, this feel so surreal as if this was but a dream. but its not a dream, this is life, and its scary, and real, and full of uncertainties. all i know is my chest aches and there is a catch in my throat that just won’t go away, i’m ready to wipe the facade of my happiness off my face. 

the bruise on my foot looks like a little galaxy

i feel more centered, balanced and things aren’t as bad and maybe thats because I’m tipsy tumbling but i cuddled today and slept a lot and spent time with good company and we had our first snow and the leaves are still falling and I’m ready for november.

first college all nighter (ill probably regret those words soon enough) but i have all afternoon to sleep and nest in my room and its so peaceful being awake at this hour. and i am sitting in the common room with a very dear friend and we already made a date to go to salvation army together on wednesday, and we both happen to stay up too late just because. and i am reading neitzsche and eating yogurt and listening to chopin and all in all this is pleasantly wonderful

its beginning. school friends. settling. i just got back from my chem lab and it was unnecessarily long and my lab partner went to slow and i ended up doing a lot of the work and then feeling bad because i didn’t want to rush her too much. and we ended up finishing before everyone else. and the rain has finally stopped, at least for now. and the walk back wasn’t as long as the walk there. and as much as i complain about the cold, wet weather i’m happy with it. its a small part of portland i might miss soon and its awfully cozy in my dorm room. and now i am listening to music and drinking tea and hopefully i’ll head over to the library and finish all my reading and studying for tomorrow a little bit earlier so i can got to sleep before 2am…(could that ever happen?)

cleaning is so carthartic. and i still have homework to finish and its almost 3am. listening to music, procrastinating, and realizing i only have 9 more academic days of high school left. thats both intimidating and exciting…

i’m so tired. exhausted, and worn out. all i want to do is curl up and sleep.

i went running earlier today, it was nice to be outside in the cool of the evening. i brought my ipod and listened to music as i went, it was disorienting to not hear my breath or the sound of my feet against the pavement, it made me feel disconnected-to be carried out of my mind for a little bit, lost in the swirl of the music and the rhythm of my body against the ground. im promising myself i will make these runs more of a habit. 

i’ve been very quiet recently, all my thoughts are being scribbled on the wall next to my bed rather than on here…i need to organize myself…

floating in my head and i am left without answers. i don’t even know if they have answers, or whether i can derive the answers…my head hurts, my throat aches. but i need to finish my homework…talk about messed up priorities…i should just go to sleep. 

it’s almost 11 and i am pretty much done with the stuff that’s due tomorrow. :P

• “wintery mix” possibility on tuesday night/wednesday has risen from 20% to 60%
• i only have 2 more colleges to apply to
• i didn’t have any hw assigned
• i am going to sleep
•  <3

• no homework due (for me) tomorrow!
• making fried rice in mandarin class
• throwing a party during the anatomy class period
• harry potter tonight w/ the gang
• good music
• 1 more day and i am on break for conferences/thanksgiving
• life’s looking good