i’m literally so tired i think I’m either going to cry, or pass out, or cry while passing out. my throat has a lump in it, so its definitely going to be the third option and i’m aching, and worrying too much. i’m losing motivation, i feel like i’m just going through the motions, instead of actually doing anything. its funny how you think escaping into oblivion will help, but often times it just doesn’t, instead it would just end badly. i think i need to stabilize myself before i make any more decisions and i need to stop over analyzing and making assumptions about the people around me. 

• study for bio test
• write outline for essay
• meet with prof. 
• schedule meeting at DHC
• get weekly schedule for cpyb
• pic up one more work shift 
• sign up for outing club
• check in on volunteering at hospital

so much to dooo 

this week has been full of lasts and goodbyes and i guess i could also look at it in terms of firsts and hellos, but my stomachs twisted and double knotted and anxiety takes over my rationale. i don’t know what to expect but thats the point. i’m growing and things are changing, i’m changing.  last time i was on a plane was about 2 years ago. things were so different back then, at least i was so different. i had different goals and expectations and hopes. but things change, either from our own hand or through the hands of others. life thoughts curve balls and as many times as we are able to avoid them, sometimes we get hit. but i believe everything happens for a reason, and i know i’ll eventually find my way. but for now i’m scared and alone, and my roommates off to got get drunk and as much fun as that sounds, i really don’t know anyone here well enough. and i just took my first shower in the dorms, and the bathroom was empty so thats always good. but i haven’t been eating enough, its like the minute i get to the point of consuming more than a couple bites i feel sick and jittery and my appetite disappears into that seemingly bottom less pitt of confusion. I’m disoriented, but this will pass. (i hope)  

like. i think this is most upset at someone i’ve ever been. swear words and rage just aren’t enough. asdfghjkl. so mad.