snow and warm coats and being helpful and harry potter marathons and diet coke and riley and waking up early because i got lots of sleeep….mmnnnn yes its the last week of break.
>>
im going to miss these moments, sitting with you guys, listening to music and pondering sleep, with jars of nutella and arizona tea. life passes by too quickly to slowly. and all i can do is wonder how different life will be next year.
>>What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
by Edna St. Vincent Millay
>>i love you so much. and it was so nice to see you again, to talk to you face to face and not just hear your voice on the other end of the line. it was nice to hug you and just stand there, in our own world, lost in the memories of our friendship. i know i’ll see you soon and that makes me so joyous :)
>>so today was kinda rough, the doctor said i couldn’t go back to ballet yet, which i understand, but i was really looking forward to going back to taking classes. instead i watched from the sidelines which was unbearable, i kept like twitching in time to the music, i felt trapped inside my own body. like i had nowhere to go and i couldn’t join in with the class.
on the other hand my ballet teacher, who intimidates me beyond belief, was oh so kind and understanding and made me feel really safe and appreciated. plus the career counselor gave me a big hug and just wished me the best of luck and told me that everyone was rooting for me. i just hope i can kick this injury in the butt. i pray that this is just like a one time thing, i don’t think i could go through this again. so i am just hoping so badly that everything happens for a reason and maybe i will come back a stronger dancer. i want to go back to ballet and i want my hip to stop throwing tantrums and i am scared because some of the doctors are making fatalistic predictions about the probability of me never being able to do ballet again. it just frustrates me i don’t think its fair to have such a limitation on something i love so much, like i have given so much to dance, but the idea of having to give that up, makes me want to cry. i am trying to stay as positive as i can, i will get better, this is a one time thing. i wont cry.
on a slightly different note, watching the class made me want to bring a camera in or just bring a sketch pad in and start doodling the dancers, too bad i cant. i did write a poem during the class, while i was taking notes, but i am not too happy with it, so i might not post it we shall see. anywho i am off to do HW. good night dears, i hope your tomorrows are beautiful!
>>
i think these photos are absolutely gorgeous, they seem to portray the passion of dance so beautifully. when i look at them i understand why i go into the studio everyday. i take class, so that i can create beauty and understand the world through movement.
one thing i have been told a lot recently is that i need to have more confidence in my dancing. i know this is true, but its a hard habit to change. i think one of the reasons i dont have confidence in myself is that i have never been the best dancer in my class. growing up i was always good, but never the best. i was always cast well, and often was asked to do special little performances and PR events for the ballet company, but i was never the “it” girl. i have always been like 4th or 5th best in the class and because i started ballet later, i was older than the other girls. i think some of my confidence issues stem from the fact that as a dancer, progressing through the levels, more and more people quit. the people that quit are never the “it” girls. it seems to me that in ballet the “it” girls seem to be the best from when they are little all the way till they are principals in a company and that the people that are just “good” don’t seem to get to the top. but this past year i have worked really hard. i have taken every extra class and given like 120% at every class. i have improved. and i know that. but its hard to show confidence even though i know this fact. last week i had a meeting with the career counselor. he told me i needed to dance with confidence because i have nothing to hide, i am beautiful. but to me, confidence means vulnerability. i have been hurt before, blows to my self confidence when i was little, and now. now i am too afraid to open up to that again. i know i need to, i just need to somehow find the strength within myself. somehow. i have worked really hard and still i think of myself as being just “ok”. i need to get out of that mindset. i need to stop comparing myself to others because when it comes down to that facts, everyone is different we cant compare to one other. but i don’t see that in ballet. i was told i needed more confidence and somehow someway i will find that ability to pour myself into my dancing, to put my love and vulnerability into art. it will just take time. it will take me.
>>