first college all nighter (ill probably regret those words soon enough) but i have all afternoon to sleep and nest in my room and its so peaceful being awake at this hour. and i am sitting in the common room with a very dear friend and we already made a date to go to salvation army together on wednesday, and we both happen to stay up too late just because. and i am reading neitzsche and eating yogurt and listening to chopin and all in all this is pleasantly wonderful

my windows propped open, even though the air has turned cool, but the humidity is gone and it smells sweet and theres a bird singing nearby. i have a paper to revise yet and i’ve been napping on and off all day and its just screaming lazy sunday afternoon. and i think i am going to take some kind of art class next semester and psychology and probably another biology class. I’m excited for fall, for frosts and for the turning of the season into winter and the first snow. 

its odd because we all have pasts, stories that no one else knows. who we are is not who we were, and our paths are twisted and we meet as blank slates and judge too quickly. years can’t be translated into minutes, and no matter how late we spend learning about one another, the moon eats her way through the night - it just takes time. 

its beginning. school friends. settling. i just got back from my chem lab and it was unnecessarily long and my lab partner went to slow and i ended up doing a lot of the work and then feeling bad because i didn’t want to rush her too much. and we ended up finishing before everyone else. and the rain has finally stopped, at least for now. and the walk back wasn’t as long as the walk there. and as much as i complain about the cold, wet weather i’m happy with it. its a small part of portland i might miss soon and its awfully cozy in my dorm room. and now i am listening to music and drinking tea and hopefully i’ll head over to the library and finish all my reading and studying for tomorrow a little bit earlier so i can got to sleep before 2am…(could that ever happen?)

you ordered a coffee and i got my tea and we sat down, watching the warm curlicues of steam waft through the air. we talked inside the coffee shop for a good hour. before gathering our bags and slipping out the door. memories bubbling up and emotions too hard to describe escaping my lips. i remember saying something along the lines of “its hard to relate to people my age when i feel five to ten years older then those around me”, and you nodded in agreement, understanding and digesting my words. its nice to think that our friendship lasted through time and across the miles separating us. you said that you couldn’t imagine being so unhappy again, that you went home broken and this last year was a time of building yourself back up again. 

i think broken people attract, i mean isn’t that what we all are? chipped pieces of pottery that fit together and find ways to fill the gaps. sometimes pieces chip off, people leave and grow and no longer mesh as well as they used to. it been said that time heals all wounds, not completley but partially and one year later its easier to share our experiences. we are never really alone in our lives, i guess i just didn’t look hard enough for someone who could understand or maybe i was searching to deeply for that missing peice, wanting to desperatly for a like soul. i’m happy we spent that morning together because it feels as though a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. 

i miss pdx and i miss my fam, but things are getting a little better. i’m realizing i don’t need to be as social, friends will come with time. and I’m making it through the day. i just really want classes to start because then i’ll at least have a routine and stuff to do…

i’m sitting in my dorm room alone with the lights off, but the door open and my computer on my lap. i’m sorta done with social stuff for the day but i have one more group thing left before i can retreat away from all the preppy people…

this week has been full of lasts and goodbyes and i guess i could also look at it in terms of firsts and hellos, but my stomachs twisted and double knotted and anxiety takes over my rationale. i don’t know what to expect but thats the point. i’m growing and things are changing, i’m changing.  last time i was on a plane was about 2 years ago. things were so different back then, at least i was so different. i had different goals and expectations and hopes. but things change, either from our own hand or through the hands of others. life thoughts curve balls and as many times as we are able to avoid them, sometimes we get hit. but i believe everything happens for a reason, and i know i’ll eventually find my way. but for now i’m scared and alone, and my roommates off to got get drunk and as much fun as that sounds, i really don’t know anyone here well enough. and i just took my first shower in the dorms, and the bathroom was empty so thats always good. but i haven’t been eating enough, its like the minute i get to the point of consuming more than a couple bites i feel sick and jittery and my appetite disappears into that seemingly bottom less pitt of confusion. I’m disoriented, but this will pass. (i hope)  

i can’t blink
because i’m too scared
if i close my eyes,
you’ll be gone.
a lost face in the crowd,
a stranger. you say i changed 
you, but my heart was
somewhere else, lost deep in my
cavernous depths. but
now my hearts tied to my
wrist, worn thin on my sleeve.
don’t break it, it’s already too
far gone.  

vainly skimming beliefs

i’ve been very quiet recently, all my thoughts are being scribbled on the wall next to my bed rather than on here…i need to organize myself…

it’s interesting how doubt can permeate ideas and thoughts, feelings - emotions. sometimes i’ll wonder if i’ll ever get over the anchor weighing down my mind.

i love that moment when warm, soft, light spills across my bed and slowly i am drawn out of sleep, lost somewhere in the world between waking and dreaming. i am unconstrained, not yet in my body, hovering in the land of the in-between. in this place sounds are muted, images fuzzy. it’s a land where i am simultaneously myself and no one. As Marsha Norman once said, “dreams are the illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you.” i become present in a way i never am during the day. there is so much meaning buried in my minds eye, even when i awake, my mind slips in and out of a world all my own, where i look at life through a kaleidoscope window, where roses never die and my thoughts are painted with shades of fuzzy watercolors. it is here, in this place, where i can utter the words i feel inside my heart aloud. here the world opens up to me and i float down a self-created river of pure emotion, but slowly, gently, my eyes crack open and the world comes back into focus, and i am only left with questions and unfinished answers.